Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I don’t make the rules sorry
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
i- i did not expect this
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020