3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
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They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies