I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.