*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.