One of the best
You Might Also Like
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Got him!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.