If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
You Might Also Like
I can’t deal with men any longer
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
shit, they caught us—run!!!
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”