SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
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[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.