My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.