wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I hope this email finds you in a well
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow