Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.