I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Sign of the day..
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks