Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
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[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation