“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?