Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.