girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
You Might Also Like
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
They’re stuck in your pants?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day