I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.