“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
You Might Also Like
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I have no passwords left in me
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
B
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
as is their right
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*