From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”