When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥