Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.