[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
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interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome