just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
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When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
(more comics:
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.