The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo