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I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Velcrow
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what