All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
🤣🤣
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.