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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.