me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
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Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it