*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
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Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
my name if I was in the mob