[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.