“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.