Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i hope my email finds you on fire
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms