a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.