I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
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“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Never ghost your hitman.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge