Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT