The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
So we got a goldfish…
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
i want the dreams to chase me for once
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
lol