I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him