The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..