If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.