Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.