Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I enjoy a good short stor
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
just having fun
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost