[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
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Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: 鈥nd a weakness?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
馃槀
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
WIFE: You鈥檙e not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN鈥橳 WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there鈥檚 some transferable skills there.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.