If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.