3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Single and childfree like Jesus
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.