Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.