It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
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Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
So inspired right now.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Yup
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”