Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
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I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.