Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.