Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
You Might Also Like
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece