I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.