Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!